DEAR TWO-WEEK WAIT,

I hate you.

RADAH

Radah is a Hebrew word meaning to reign, to have control and not let the world control you.

For the past few months I haven’t worried about even trying. I have only taken my temperature when I was sick, didn’t pee on sticks of any kind and even stopped taking the prenatal vitamins that I have been on for nearly 2 years! We certainly weren’t timing a thing.

Lately I have been obsessed again. I can’t sleep. I keep thinking, “What if, what if, what if…” It’s been driving me crazy!

Today’s message at church was the last in a series about being the person who you were born to be through Christ. Specifically, it was about control. Becoming a parent has been in control of my life. It has all been about me! This is not how we were meant to live! Jesus doesn’t want you to think less of yourself, but wants you to think of yourself less.

So my goal is “to let go, and let God” because I am not in control, it is not my fault, nor is it my purpose to obsess. I need to do some soul searching, find some time to listen to God and rediscover His purpose for me. Will this be an easy task? Absolutely not, but I have the Holy Spirit on my side!

INFORMATIONAL MEETING

Yay! My husband and I are going to an informational meeting for our state fostering / special needs adoption program tonight! We will be filling out our applications and such and signing up for the training sessions!

ALMOST 2 YEARS AND EVEN MORE EXCITED!

We started TTC two years ago in October. I have had some ups and downs through this, but I will admit... mostly ups ----> I've gained almost 40 pounds! Ack! Stress is my enemy and food is my comfort and now I don't even feel comfortable getting pregnant!

Tomorrow is the day! I'm going to begin to recover myself so that we can continue our treatments... I am aiming for January which really means February (because I am a procrastinator in all things!).

On another wave-length...


I've read many blogs that described the sadness when discovering that their friends, family members or fellow infertiles get pregnant. I have even come across a few friends and family members that have been worried about my reaction to their news. SERIOUSLY!? I can't be more happy for these new babies! I was offended when my BFF asked if I was okay when I found out her sister was pregnant. I then found it funny when she asked if I was mad when my BFF told me that she herself was pregnant! LOL!


Yesterday was the most AMAZING day! I spent the entire day preparing for and helping to host my SIL's baby shower! It was the best! I can't wait to meet my new niece or nephew! My brother is so sweet and excited and my SIL is the cutest pregnant girl I have ever seen! I didn't get home from the shower until nearly 9:30 pm!


Shortly after arriving home I received an unusual phone call from a local hospital. Who would be calling me from there? I almost didn't answer it, but then a light-bulb went off and I realized it was my cousin and of course she had gone into labor! What an eventful day! Seeing the birth of this amazing new life was the best experience I've had in these last two years of TTC! I was so inspired by the courage and strength of my cousin it just made me more excited, not sad! It's really okay if I don't have a biological child! I just want to be a mommy, but gosh the experience of childbirth sure would be incredible!

AND THE WAIT CONTINUES...

It's been a long time, because there is still nothing going on. We don't have the cash flow right now to continue treatments, so we are waiting for a miracle... or tax returns, whichever comes first. We have been looking into adoption. We have filled out a few informational type forms, but haven't made any commitments to a home study yet. I think we are going to do the foster/adoption classes that are provided through our state! I don't think I am willing to deal with a teenager though... Teaching them is enough for me right now!

MURPHY'S LAW

I've had SEVERAL friends who, when pregnant, had scheduled to be induced and FINALLY went into labor naturally the day of their appointment.

Maybe it's mental.

I had an appointment scheduled for today to get a blood pregnancy test done. The point of the test was so that I could safely go on Provera to start my cycle. I knew I wasn't pregnant.

This morning... I started naturally.

Again, maybe it's mental.

:-)

ORGANIZING THE NEXT ROUND

Well... I finally got to it! I called my RE's office to talk to Nurse Pat. She is awesome, by the way. I told her I am on day 43 of my cycle now and that is VERY unusual for me (I'm a very regular 26-day kind of girl). So, now I am scheduled for a blood pregnancy test (just to confirm what I already know) and then I will be put on Provera. My body is all kinds of whacked out due to all these drugs!

I also called the RE's finance people and Kim told me that they need an up-front payment of $2665 to pay for all of the blood work and scans! Ack! Don't know where all that is going to come from all at once, but hopefully we will figure it out. We've been thinking about taking out a home equity loan to do some work on the house, so... well... I don't know!

The hubby and I are also scheduled with the lab for blood draws just in case this SUPEROVULATION round turns into an IVF round!

Getting my ducks all in a row!

CYCLE DAY 37 and COUNTING

I stopped taking the birth control pills on Tuesday, June 9th and I still haven't started my period! I can't start my next round of treatment until Aunt Flow makes her appearance! Ack!

I am however, feeling a bit of pain on my right side. Maybe that pesky "little" cysts is about to say "buh-bye". Maybe that's why my period hasn't started. A little burst, a little menstuation and a little bambino!

Wouldn't that be nice!?

OUCH!

Finally! An update! I had been on BCP for the past month due to a cyst that my RE found on my LEFT overy. It burst a few weeks later... OUCH! But at least I knew it was gone!

I went to my scheduled Clomid Check u/s appointment today and SURPRISE, SURPRISE... No cyst on the left overy, but now I have one on the RIGHT overy!!! Another month of no treatment for me. Sigh... They also saw a fibroid, so back to the u/s room for a saline u/s... OUCH! Thankfully, it doesn't have to be removed AND my RE wrote it off as "Irregular Bleeding" so all I had to pay for TWO u/s was $15!!!

My RE told me that if I wanted to I could have another u/s on Cycle Day 3. I don't know if I will, but at least it could still open up the possibility to continue this cycle.

When I do get to try again I will be on Letrozole with FSH Injections... Another OUCH! OUCH for having to stick myself and OUCH for my wallet. Sigh...

COSTS SO FAR

$15.00 for Consultation
$100.00 for Sperm Count
$3.90 for Antibiotic to take for HSG Test
$502.50 for HSG Test
$15.00 for Office Visit
$38.49 for Clomid Round 1
$150.00 for Follicle Check
$77.00 for Trigger Shot
$400.00 for Sperm Wash and IUI
$20.00 for Vivelle-dot prescription
$15.00 for Clomid Check - cyst 1 found
$15.00 for Clomid Check - cyst 2 found

TOTAL$1351.89

AWE-SUMMM AWARD

I don't really consider my blogging skills up to par... I'm a very consise and often factual writer, but thanks Meghan! You are truly AWE-SUMMM!

And now for the rules:
List 7 things that make you Awe-Summ and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers you love. Make sure to tag your recipients and let them know they have won! Also link back to the Queen that tagged you.

7 reasons I am AWE-SUMMM

1. I am an Awe-Summm teacher!
2. I am an Awe-Summm daughter!
3. I am an Awe-Summm sister!
4. I am an Awe-Summm wife!
5. I am an Awe-Summm friend!
6. I am an Awe-Summm artist!
7. I will be an Awe-Summm Mom!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7 AWE-SUMMM Bloggers I'm passing this on to are...

1. http://infertilityishard.wordpress.com/
2. http://angryinfertile.blogspot.com/
3.http://nathansmama.blogspot.com/
4. http://bottomsoffandonthetable.blogspot.com/
5. http://knockedupknockeddown.blogspot.com/
6. http://murgdan.blogspot.com/
7. http://emptyuterus.wordpress.com/

A LITTLE LATE

I REALLY needed to digest everything that happened before I posted...

I had a Clomid Check u/s scheduled for Thursday, May 14th at 1:00 pm so I took the day off of work. I was in a great mood! I wasn't worried/upset about possibly having to skip a month of fertility treatments because I am really at peace with this process. I decided to run some errands before my appointment and hit the road. I went to the bank, the gas station and was on my way to Lowe's to pick up a few things that I had ordered when...

CRASH!!! "What just happened?"

I looked to my left, already shaking, and realized that there was no glass separating me from the grill of the black Ford Excursion that just hit my car (I drive a Honda Civic). I look to the right and couldn't figure out how the hell that side mirror landed on the dashboard. The SUV moves and I try to open the door. It won't budge. I call 911. It's 11:40 am.

I climb out through the passenger door and nice guy helped shake the glass off of me. He tells me that the woman who hit me is pregnant and has a toddler in the car. GREAT. I'm already getting a headache, might miss my R/E appointment, and the woman in the other car is expecting number 2! Sigh... This is when I realize that I may need to skip this month of treatments so that my body can heal. I'll need to go to the ER.

It took me 45 minutes to get a hold of my husband, by which time I had already been seen by the paramedics, the fire department had already cleaned up and the woman who hit me had mysteriously disappeared. We just had to wait for the police report. Why does this take so long?

FINALLY, after nearly 2 hours, we get to leave the scene and go to the R/E appointment. They get me in really quick because they know I'll be going to the ER immediately afterwards. I have a cyst, so I am put on birth control pills and sent on my way. The up side is that this visit was covered by insurance.

The ER was pretty empty so I was sent right back. I got a CT scan and several X-rays. I was only there for about 3 hours. I got sent home with prescriptions for pain meds and muscle relaxers... I'm just sore, thankfully... no major damage!

Although we left the ER at about 6:30 pm, we didn't get home until 9:00 pm. We still had to get the car towed and go to the pharmacy.

It was an exhausting day. I'm still sore. I'm thankful that all involved are okay AND that I don't have the additional worry of fertility treatments. That's right... I'm HAPPY that I have the month off and that I didn't have to make that decision myself. Who would have ever thought that a cyst would be a blessing?

BACK TO SQUARE ONE

My temps dropped so I knew that I would be getting my visit soon and here she is...

I'm really not all that upset. I was expecting a meltdown, but instead I feel at peace. God has a plan for us and last month was not it. I know in my heart that we are on the right track. We WILL get pregnant and grow our family.

So, now I'm off to call the RE and schedule an u/s to check for cysts. I hope there aren't any so we can continue on to IUI #2.

PEEING ON STICKS AND STILL WAITING

I'm on CD 24 and 12 DPO. I've become addicted to peeing on HPT tests. They've all been negative, but it has been way too early. I have a lot of hope because my BBT chart looks absolutely promising. I'm due for a visit from Aunt Flow on Monday... I'm going to try to hold out to take another test until Sunday, but this wait is killing me!

CD18 - 6 DPO - The Wait

The wait. The wait is killing me. Am I pregnant? Do I have to do this again? Could I possibly be lucky on the first try? Questions, questions, questions...

I am due to start on Monday, May 11th. When should I test? Should I "risk" taking one on May 10th? Fertility Friend says to wait until Friday, May 15th. I'm not sure I can wait that long!

It's been 5 days since the IUI.

How do you deal with the TWO WEEK WAIT!?

IUI #1

It was a very busy day at our RE's office today! I couldn't believe how many couples were there and how long we had to wait! We arrived at 1:10 with speciman in tow and dropped it off at the lab by 1:20. We were told to come back in an hour to an hour and a half so we went to lunch at Calistoga! Yum yum!

Back up to the RE's office and still had to wait for another hour! Ugh! And I had to wait again for another 30 minutes once I was wearing my paper napkin!

The procedure was quick. Literally seconds... it didn't hurt much, but it wasn't a happy feeling either!

Now we wait!

COSTS SO FAR

$15.00 for Consultation
$100.00 for Sperm Count
$3.90 for Antibiotic to take for HSG Test
$502.50 for HSG Test
$15.00 for Office Visit
$38.49 for Clomid Round 1
$150.00 for Follicle Check
$77.00 for Trigger Shot
$400.00 for Sperm Wash and IUI
$20.00 for Vivelle-dot prescription

TOTAL
$1321.89

CD 11 - Trigger Shot

It took 25 minutes to get to my doctor's office! Today is the mini/Marathon and all of the streets that I needed were blocked off! I did ride my scooter, so I the way back I made it to Bardstown Road and split lanes to get through! No waiting for me! :-)

Now I'm off to the Cherokee Triangle Art Fair and more splitting lanes to get there!

COSTS SO FAR

$15.00 for Consultation
$100.00 for Sperm Count
$3.90 for Antibiotic to take for HSG Test
$502.50 for HSG Test
$15.00 for Office Visit
$38.49 for Clomid Round 1
$150.00 for Follicle Check
$77.00 for Trigger Shot

TOTAL
$901.89

CD10 - Ultrasound

I had my ultrasound this morning! Woot! I have 2 good sized follicles (17 & 22) on my left and a bunch of non-performers on the right. :-)

My lining wasn't quite where they wanted it to be so the nurse wanted to consult with my doctor about the HCG trigger shot and IUI schedule... In the mean time, I'm still on the estradiol patch hoping to thicken things up!

Update: WE ARE ON!

I am triggering tomorrow and having the IUI on Sunday!

COSTS SO FAR

$15.00 for Consultation
$100.00 for Sperm Count
$3.90 for Antibiotic to take for HSG Test
$502.50 for HSG Test
$15.00 for Office Visit
$38.49 for Clomid Round 1
$150.00 for Follicle Check

TOTAL
$824.89

Mr. XY

I work in a predominantly XX (female) work place. I am a teacher. There are a total of 6 men in the building. One of these men (I'll call him Mr. XY) is quite the conservative chauvinistic ass. He often pisses off the women I work with and we are all constintantly biting our tongues, knowing that there is no use arguing with someone so closed-minded.

I couldn't keep my mouth shut today though...

The ladies and I were talking about the sick day I took yesterday, Clomid side-effects and tomorrow's u/s (I'm SO excited!). I was explaining to someone the procedure and such when one of my friends said, "You could use my eggs, I've got plenty!" I then went on to explain that I don't NEED eggs, I NEED better quality sperm... That's when Mr. XY chimed in. "Always blaming it on the man," he said. WHAT!? Hello! Ever hear of a SPERM ANALYSIS!

Mr. XY also made comments about icing my DH down and using a turkey baster! SERIOUSLY!? Are you THAT damaged!

I did tell him that comments like that are likely to make my blog. Mr. XY's response? "I have better things to do with my time than the Internet... Like cutting grass and playing golf!

Lol! What an idiot!

On a much more EAGER, DELIGHTED, EXCITED note... I am so looking forward to the u/s tomorrow! I'm praying for lots of big, fat, healthy follicles! :-)

CD7

Today is my last day to take the crazy pill (Clomid 100mg). I've experienced some lovely side effects, but I'm not a big complainer... I'd tolerate ALL of the indicated side effects if it leads to Motherhood!

I'm looking forward to Friday and getting the u/s to check things out. I'm realistically optimistic!

CD5 - Side Effects

I AM A ZOMBIE!

I haven't slept in two nights! I have also had some mild hot flashes, but those are tolerable. I am exhausted and if I take a nap now it will just make attempting to sleep tonight even worse!

If I don't get pregnant this cycle, then I am switching to taking the Clomid in the morning. I wonder what would be worse for my students... A really tired teacher or a really wired and scattered one!? Thank God there are only 6 weeks left until summer break!

I'm taking Sominex tonight... at least an hour before I take the Clomid!

BLAH!

CD3 - SLUMBER PARTY!

FIRST DAY OF CLOMID 100mg...

I had a girls-night with Mom last night. My step-dad is out of town, so we went out to dinner then came home to watch some TV in bed. I took 100mg of Clomid at 8pm, knowing that I’d be crashing out at about 9:00. Mom fell asleep at 8:15! :-)

I hardly slept at all! Part of it was the Clomid, I am sure… And part of it was the noise that my Mom insists that she doesn’t make while sleeping (SNORE!). :-)

I did get a few restless hours of sleep last night and I’m hoping to take a nap soon, but I feel so edgy! Like I’ve had too much caffeine and not enough food! If my body were making a noise related to the anxiety I feel it would be a non-stop monotonous buzzing. (ZZZZZZZZZZZZ)

I need to relax!

CLOMID ROUND 1 SCHEDULE

CD1 = 4/15/09 (Wednesday) Good morning, Aunt Flow
CD3 = 4/17/09 (Friday) First Day of 100 mg Clomid
CD7 = 4/21/09 (Tuesday) Last Day of 100 mg Clomid
CD8 = 4/22/09 (Wednesday) First Day of Estradiol Patch
CD10 = 4/24/09 (Friday) Ultrasound

CD?? = IUI?

CD26 = 5/10/09 (Sunday) Last Day of Cycle

ALL FINGERS AND TOES ARE CROSSED!

COUNTING THE DAYS!

I have become obsessed with all things "baby" with our first round of Clomid and IUI right around the corner!

I have been using My Monthly Cycles to track my menstrual cycles since September 2004. It's a great tool! I originally used it just to keep track, so I wouldn't be surprised when Aunt Flow came to visit. Then I used it to help figure out when I ovulate. NOW! According to My Monthly Cycles I should start my period on Wednesday, April 15th! I am so excited to start this process... Just knowing that there is a reason for our infertility and having a plan gives me hope. I know, that it may take a few cycles or even further interventions to add to our family, but I have not been excited about CYCLE DAY 1 for TWO years!

All you infertile girls out there know what I'm talking about... The Day 1 disappointment, the tears, the frustration... Those feelings might come back next month, but for now...

I'm counting the days! :-)

ANNOYED

I know, good intentions and all, but PLEASE! Why do people think that their "advice" and questions are helpful to those who are infertile! It's almost like "they" don't believe that my situation and desires are real!

Let me list a few of my favorites:

1) It's in the water, just keep drinking it!

Last I heard, drinking water doesn't have much to do with conception! The statement, "It's in the water" says to me, "I'm pregnant! Look at me! Nah, nah, nah, nah, boo-boo!"

2) Are you having sex?

Seriously!? What kind of question is that!?

3) Why are you using Clomid?

Didn't I just explain that to you? Isn't that what we were JUST speaking about?


SIGH... I know, I know... I shouldn't take it personally, but we've been trying for 2 years and FINALLY have an answer, so why not just say, "Great! Good for you! I'm praying for you! Good luck!"???

PLAN OF ACTION

I had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Archer. I really need to get a list of all the numbers from all of our tests! She did another ultrasound and saw that I had just ovulated. During the consultation she told me that Jason has anti-bodies in his sperm, which causes them to have an issue crossing the cervix. During the next cycle I will be taking Clomid with IUI. I should start on Wednesday, April 15th which means I’ll start the Clomid on Friday, April 17th… We’ll see!

COSTS SO FAR

$15.00 for Consultation
$100.00 for Sperm count
$3.90 for Antibiotic to take for HSG test
$502.50 for HSG test
$15.00 for Office Visit
$38.49 for Clomid Round 1

TOTAL
$674.89

I also got a bill for the remaining cost of the HSG test, since insurance decided not to pay for it!

HSG TEST

HSG Test… Jason went with me for support, but it wasn’t NEARLY as bad as I thought it would be. A little cramping, no paper napkin and my uterus looked normal and my fallopian tubes were clear!

COSTS SO FAR

$15.00 for Consultation
$100.00 for Sperm count
$3.90 for Antibiotic to take for HSG test
$502.50 for HSG test

TOTAL
$621.40

This is going to be an expensive baby!

ANXIETY ABOUT HSG TEST

I started worrying about how much my HSG test would cost and was looking it up on the Internet when I got a call from Jewish to pre-register. It’s going to cost $502.50!

BASIC TESTS

Jason dropped off his little men and I had blood drawn for Day 3 FSH

COSTS SO FAR

$15.00 for Consultation
$100.00 for Sperm count
$3.90 for Antibiotic to take for HSG test

TOTAL
$118.90

CONSULTATION APPOINTMENT

We had our first appointment with Dr. Archer. She was very friendly, asked a bunch of questions and gave me a ultrasound… Dr Archer saw 6 follicles on my right ovary and only 2 on my left… She could tell that I had ovulated from my left ovary. Dr. Archer could not see the left side of my uterus. She wants me to have the day 3 FSH and estradiol test, which tests the ovaries and a hysterosalpingogram (HSG), which is a dye test to show the Uterus and Fallopian tubes. Jason is going to having a semen analysis.

The day 3 FSH tests the Follicle Stimulating Hormone – the main hormone involved in producing mature eggs. It has to do with the amount of follicles. The older you get, the less follicles you have = higher FSH. Less than 10 = good response to ovarian stimulation. 10-12 = Fair. Normal to reduced… Over 20 = no go. Under 35 woman with higher FSH have a higher success with IVF than older…

The Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test is an x-ray that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes. This is a dye test with pictures taken using a steady beem of x-ray.

I did some googling and found information about uterus abnormalities. I could have a Unicoruate Uterus since Dr. Archer only saw the right side of my uterus.

My Day 3 FSH test is scheduled for 4:30 AM on Wednesday, January 7th.
My HSG test is scheduled for 7:20 AM on Friday, January 9th.

COSTS SO FAR
$15 for Consultation